Fucking idiot. Really tired of being a fucking idiot captain shithead jerk. I think I need a shirt that says this, or a panel inside my arm that you can open up for information on why I will destroy you and myself and resent, resent, resent forever. Someone told me I spoke like my mother yesterday, I was a little put-off by this for reasons I will not disclose. Being home is always weird, every time weirder, never better, never more intriguing than the last, never a boost up, just plain fucking strange. By now, I suppose I should plan on this. I should plan on anything I am happy about to disappoint, right? I should plan on never hearing you through the wire, I should plan on never seeing them, I should plan on never more than 5 minutes of happiness a day. Maybe that is all people need but that sure as shit does not satisfy right now.
Never in my life have I been more claustrophobic at a family gathering and wanted nothing more than to hide in the car under my jacket and breathe real loud and maybe call someone to hold my ears instead of my hands, than today. I did call but y'know that whole disappoint thing. I'm just disappointing myself. I'm not writing/have not been writing since I finally got something published which is really dumb. So stupid. I won't be published again for another threee years probably. I'm not sure why these posts either digress or regress into some child-like state where my words become limited to dumb, stupid, and crappy. What an asshole.
Dave Eggers is great! I should write him a letter and mail him a high five!
call me, lets hang out. come over for new years. it will be better than anything else usually and i'm staying up or getting up for the sunrise!! so come!
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